Shaikh Taufiq

my finger is swollen…thank goodness i type with one finger…

my middle finger…on the right hand…at the tip…its swollen cuz i wanted to catch a dodgeball and it hit the tip of my finger…now its swollen…and tmr’s IPPT…hahah…guess i wont be taking it…again…damn…

hope i didnt break it

tea never tasted so good this morning…i’m not sure why…but it was really good…after the drill lesson taken by FI Gavin, it sure was a relaxant…i think he’s trying to suck up to the OCTs actually…cuz some of us are gonna be inspector FIs…and he’ll be a small fry…so he must play the sucking game…by sucking up…

yesterday i watched team america…funny show…almost watched the exorcist…but then we decided not to cuz we thought there’s gonna be morning PT…which was cancelled this morning. dammit. and yesterday was the 7th month…and i saw some of my chinese friends praying…quietly, together. today lessons all the way…yay

now i know why i like his song so much..its cuz when i walked in there and heard the song, its like i feel a sense of freedom…like a bubbling excitement kinda thing…like i’m letting myself loose of my leash on myself and letting me run…but not literally of course…like i’m letting myself go and just let myself absorb everything and enjoy it all…yeah

so i was supposed to have a damn exam today but it turned out to be cancelled…they have something important to do first so they cannot conduct the exam…that’s good la…at least there’s one more day to slack…what did i do today?

morning woke up at 6.20…then went for flag raising…then had a short PT cuz we were the only ones who didnt have barrack inspection cuz our FI is not here…then another FI took us…ran a bit…push ups…then went for breakfast..had mee soto…ugh. then headed back…though had exam but while i was taking a bath, we were told that there was no exam…so played dota…until lunch…then came back from lunch, went to wenshen’s room and watched graham’s Team America. damn stupid doll movie…

now i’m back here…nothing to do until 4.30…we have PSOC then…then at night, nothing…damn what a life…

well back to life in camp and its such a relief to not have a screen to look at with distorted lines on it…this is how computer screens are supposed to be…clear. sheesh i need better things around me…lots of things around me are old or just breaking down…

i have a few things to say actually…firstly, let me get this out of my head…now that i have the song “what goes around comes around” by justin timberlake, it just constantly reminds me of the time i went to mos. the reason is: when i walked into the room with the cage, whatever you call it, this song started playing…and it was like some music video…lights flashing…music blaring…people bouncing…this memory is etched in my mind.

another thing i wanna talk about is totally unrelated to that…i just read her blog just now…and hey i gotta say this is not the part i enjoy…the aftermath of something big happening…especially between two people…but this i know…that she understands why i did what i did and the rationale behind why i did it…i really see life in the bigger picture and what matters, will just matter throughout whatever i do. and some things, i need to sacrifice to maintain what is important to me…and i am thankful that she has a lot of support around her to keep her sane and in control, keeping her head out of the water…as for me, here’s the way i see it. i try to be something like charcoal…when there is wind blowing against the coal, i burn hotter, but i don’t disintegrate…i turn white…maintaining the heat till it eventually dies down and burn out…actually that wasn’t a good illustration…i usually think it like i’m being dragged by my feet and my hands are bound and only my face is in the mud…and i just have to ‘tahan’ until i stop being dragged…knowing that i will survive though it…and i think i am learning to be comfortable outside my comfort zone…i want to step out of this shell and make a change…

this is becoming really complex…

slowly, i will lay it down…

and i just thought of something…will i keep this blog private ONLY to myself or shall i keep giving access to her?

need to think about that…

its been a while since i put anything in here so let me start now..

this week has been an eventful one…with goods and bads…i discovered new things this week, more like experiences. things that i always had wanted to do but never had the chance to or was reluctant.

my squadmates and i went clubbing like i said earlier…we also went to sentosa and headed to the beach…we had great fun and it was the freedom i had long waited for…i had waited a long time to get out there and just unwind…get some air and space and be myself, away from the formalities and the things i have to conform to…

but some things werent as joyous…me and my family had a chat on the way back from dinner in JB and it made me realise the amount of time i have been away from home. i must say i am very attached to my family and whatever it is, they mean the world to me at the end of the day…and to hear them say things that made me feel that i was not there for them or with them, just sucks. and its not JUST the sucky feeling. i felt as though i had disappointed them. made them feel less proud. i AM the only son and i WANT to make my family proud. i want to make them feel proud, not just for me, but for all of us. and most importantly, i want to feel proud to have my family.

but i havent always been there for them…and i know they love me and look forward to having me around…and i know they care for me. they have been giving and i have been taking…so then i realised that i need to play my part. i needed to sacrifice what I want for myself to give what i have to what matters most. family.

so i decided that for where i am now and the situation i am in, i needed to make some changes…i decided that me and her just cannot carry on as i had to many things on my hands for that little amount of time that i have to spare…and i was neglecting my family. there are many things that are involved in my life but there are only a few things that are very important and take up a big part of my life. and what i had, there were two big things at once and time only enough for one of them.

i am the type of person that wants to focus on one thing at a time so that i can make the best out of it. i dont want to do things half heartedly and the end result would be…nonsense. i would feel that i am wasting my time and effort if that were to happen. but hey, that’s just me.

so, this is for you. i thank you for spending your life with me and shared things about yourself with me. it has been great and i enjoyed myself, as well as i have learnt many things along the way. indeed we would have had a much easier time if not for my liabilities and stuff…but some things i just cannot control and i can only work around it…as i dont have that power. i have a clear set of priorities in my life and i want to make it right for so long as i can. this means a lot to me and i thank you for understanding. i know this in not easy for you but neither is it easy for me. i apologise if i had hurt you in any way…as it is never my intention to hurt anyone that i care for. be it what i said or what i did or did not do. i am sorry. i wish you all the best in whatever you do and i hope our friendship will be something that we can hold on to. set a clear path for your future so nothing can hinder your success. and please dont forget to take care of yourself…